If there’s any group of people (besides parents) who can get behind positive discipline, empathy-based guidance, and emotional regulation, surely it’s teachers, right? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here’s the problem: Some teachers are saying the “side effects” of gentle parenting are creating behavior problems at school. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
First, let’s look at what teachers are saying on the topic in this Reddit post<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n “I teach kinder so we always see several very attached and overly permissive parents and the consequences in the classroom\u2014kids who are used to being coddled, used to getting their own way, etc.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “This year we have more than the usual number who are used to being in charge and are used being asked things like ‘are you ready to go?’ And ‘are you ready to eat?’ As opposed to ‘it’s time to go’ or ‘it’s time for lunch.’<\/p>\n\n\n\n “I have several that actually negotiate with me ‘we can go later’ or ‘I want to go now’ or my favorite ‘it’s stopped raining, we can go to recess now.’ Or just flat out say no when I tell them to clean up or line up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “When I talk to the parents, they freely admit they let their kids decide when to go to the store, when to go to bed, when and what to eat, etc.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “And when I say school doesn’t work like that, we have a schedule and lesson plans and expectations, I just get helpless shrugs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “We always have one or two like this, but this year, we have MORE.” \u2014the_owl_syndicate<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n “I think where the two, this parenting style and a classroom, can easily clash is the number. You have one or two kids? Yeah, we can take the time to really work through things. You\u2019ve got 30 all with their own individual needs and one teacher to manage them all? It\u2019s not necessarily realistic to be able to do the coaching and the open conversation in the way it would probably need to be done.” \u2014Gold_Repair_3557<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n “I think a lot of it boils down to: parents can live with their children\u2019s behaviour at home, because they\u2019re desensitized to it, or because their home is lacking the structure & expectations & demands of a classroom so they don\u2019t see the behaviour.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “If your kid spends all their time playing video games and watching TikTok, and you never make them do chores or homework, you\u2019re never going to see the behaviours that the classroom teacher sees. You\u2019re never asking them to do anything they don\u2019t want to do for an extended period of time like we are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “If you\u2019ve lived with your kid for 12 years (I teach middle school), then you know what they\u2019re like and can ignore all but the worst of the behaviours at home because that\u2019s just what you\u2019re used to … that\u2019s all fine and dandy, until they\u2019re 1 of 30+ kids in my classroom and they\u2019re impossible to wrangle because behaving like that at home isn\u2019t seen as a problem.” \u2014TheDarklingThrush<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n “This is such an important point. I don’t really think of myself as an authoritarian teacher, in fact, I’m one of the teachers pupils will come to when they haven’t done something they should for another teacher to have me help them repackage what they want to say in an acceptable, professional way. I try and say ‘We’re doing this because …’ Or ‘This is important for …’ But I also simply don’t have time to work with every student in my room individually about why they should do something or the point of every instruction. Simply for logistics, I need at least the majority to do as asked if at all possible. One important part of Gentle Parenting absolutely must be different expectations in different places and that not everyone at every time has time and ability to negotiate and discuss with you.” \u2014NyssaofTracken<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n “My sister is committed to gentle parenting for her four-year-old. I’ve been impressed with her patience and ability to reason with her daughter, but what gives me pause is bending over backwards for every single ‘why do I have to’ question.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “I get the good intentions, but it also gives them the mindset that adults should have to explain themselves to children all the freaking time in order for them to do anything. That’s a hard adjustment for school.” \u2014bitterbunny4<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n “From a parent perspective, I think it\u2019s great to validate feelings and stop hitting our kids and calling it discipline, but I think the problem is that not everything needs to be a ‘big deal.’ Like if my kid falls and gets mildly hurt, just get back up, we don\u2019t need to talk about how I realize that was scary for you and it\u2019s okay to cry as long as you need to and all feelings are important. Something less than ideal happened and that\u2019s fine, let\u2019s just all MOVE ON.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “I think gentle parenting creates anxiety in a lot of kids because they\u2019re looking to us to see how to handle their emotions, and the truth is that not every feeling needs to be dissected. It\u2019s okay to say, ‘You\u2019re fine!’ and that be the end of it.” \u2014lemondrops42<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n “This is a danger I see a lot with gentle parenting is it becomes all about the child’s emotions. I think it is great to teach kids how to identify and work through their feelings and give them plenty of outlets. But at the same time, the most important thing in the world is not one person’s feelings, and our actions are far more important than our feelings.” \u2014ThymeForEverything<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n “People often hyperbolize about how these kids are all little narcissists, and while that is not true on a clinical level, this is in fact the ‘recipe’ for how those kinds of pathologies form. NPD can result from either a counter-reaction (parents were highly invalidating, therefore kid’s psyche bounces back and learns to always center itself) or a reinforced reaction, which is more what\u2019s being discussed here. That\u2019s if the parents always center their child, shield them from criticism, and give their emotions too much attention.<\/p>\n\n\n\n “That doesn\u2019t describe \/all\/ of my students. Many of them respond with apathy as a defense mechanism, which does in fact show that they have shame and guilt over their lack of achievement. However … it certainly describes \/some\/ of my students.” \u2014inkstaincd<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n Not at all. Evaluating most things from an all-or-nothing standpoint is rarely helpful. Plus, I think our world would be a better place if we all\u2014teachers, parents, online comment sections\u2014practiced a little more gentleness with one another. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Certainly from a teaching perspective, these reports are concerning. But I think what’s happening is more complicated than “gentle parenting = bad” or “gentle parenting results in these kinds of students.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n One of the problems with gentle parenting is that it’s difficult to know exactly what it is or isn’t. There are no official “gentle parenting” guidelines or tenets. One popular thought leader within the gentle-parenting umbrella suggests children don’t need potty training<\/a> (though every child is different, it’s hard to not spot a connection between this belief and kindergarten teachers reporting a sudden influx of children arriving at school in diapers)<\/a>. Another might suggest that adults should parent without using the word “no,”<\/a> even though psychologist Sarah Ockwell-Smith, who is sometimes credited with gentle parenting, insists that “no” definitely has a place in the process.<\/a> <\/p>\n\n\n\n If parents are grabbing isolated bits of advice from #gentleparenting on Instagram or TikTok, they could be trying to make sense from two or more accounts with completely different\u2014even contradictory\u2014methods. And if they feel pressured or shamed to use that parenting advice at all costs despite their child’s individual needs, I think that’s one (of many) ways we get kids who are struggling at school. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Maybe the “best” thing parents can do is choose a style that works for their family and periodically evaluate, tweak, and adapt that style based on feedback. Feedback from the child as well as from stakeholders in the child’s life\u2014teachers, coaches, caretakers, and other “village” members invested in their success. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Even Dr. Becky Kennedy, a popular clinical psychologist<\/a> that many place under the “gentle parenting” umbrella (even though she doesn’t define her work this way), insists that her parenting advice is not to be taken as the end-all-be-all for every child. Here’s a quote from her interview with Adam Grant back in February<\/a>: <\/p>\n\n\n\n “I think it’s been helpful to just, just remember that there’s no one size fits all approach. Right? That these ideas, everything I put out there, and I wanna make this clear, after receiving this criticism, is meant to be considered with skepticism, to see how it resonates, and then to be combined with what you know about yourself and your family. You are the expert, and these are frameworks and ideas to consider if useful.” <\/p>\n\u2014Dr. Becky Kennedy<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n Jessica Grose of the New York Times puts it this way: “There’s more than one way to raise kids who thrive.”<\/a> I think most teachers would agree that our students who thrive can, most of the time (and in an age-appropriate way): <\/p>\n\n\n\nIt makes students think every part of the day is up for negotiation.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
It assumes teachers can give the same attention to 30+ kids that parents give to one or two at home.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
It doesn’t account for the difference in stamina and frustration level between tasks at home vs. school. <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Children come to school expecting their teacher to have the same availability and time for them as their parents do.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
It requires teachers to provide an explanation when they need compliance. <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
It makes everything seem like a big deal.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
It can foster fragility. <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
It shields kids from criticism. <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
So, does this mean gentle parenting is bad? <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
What if these behaviors aren’t the “side effects” of one single agreed-upon version of “gentle parenting,” and are instead the confusion that results from individual interpretation of a vague term? <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
There will always be different styles, trends, and approaches to parenting. That’s a good thing. <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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